It sounds like your husband feels really left out and is more just reacting than being proactive about changing things. Bring stakes with them in case vampires show up. Are any of these familiar to you? I really think if said in the right context, you can support both your husband and your daughter. By not actively encouraging your daughter to spend time with her father, even if it means doing things she may not actively be interested in, you keep her from being the full person she could be. Its interesting how the commenters with nice, loving parents saw this one way, and those of us with our experience saw it as something much darker. Your well-intended desires to connect in rational and predictable ways gave way to superstitious behaviors: "If I just pay close enough attention to all the previous interactions, I can control the outcome by doing everything just right. Like making sure the sun comes up by accurately participating in the correct rituals. Did he take me out to Madonna concerts and listen to me babble on endlessly about her latest video. Yeah, in retrospect, it probably would have been better for me to join a team sport I actually wanted too, but 7th grade me was too shy to do it. Belittling her favorite things will only cause more resentment and make her even less likely to want to spend time with him. I hated, and still do, all of those things. Obviously, this is as much your husbands job as it is yours, but right now it seems hes threatened by the bond you share with your daughter and is acting childish. I think it would seem less like forcing if he wasnt being a dictator about other things I mean maybe if she could listen to her music or a Harry Potter book on tape in the car on the way camping the daughter would be in a better mood , Marjoralynnia painted_lady Its great because its competitive but also forces cooperation (you need to trade for resources to gain points in the game). (Okay, okay, I am projecting here, but again, I had way too many friends who were all way to into Buffy back in the day. Im sure BOTH the LW ~and~ her husband could benefit from those. Their partners also need to understand that most of the sabotaging behavior is not only unintended but carries significant grief and guilt with it. If youre experiencing any of these issues in your marriage, its important to talk to your daughter about how youre feeling and why youve decided to stay in the relationship despite being unhappy. Forget it. But mom, dont do the us versus him. Im not sure why people think it makes you a bad parent to tell your kid that you dont enjoy some of the same stuff they enjoy and that they can do that when you arent around. Whatever the reason, an alcoholic father can be very manipulative and controlling. This is the one person in the entire world who truly has your back. July 2, 2013, 4:01 pm. His GP should be able to refer him to an appropriate local counsellor or he could contact the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (bacp.co.uk). Soulmate Initial On Left Thumb? I dont think there is any one size fits all strategy. The problem is, he's never been able to relate to them and, even when he does talk with them, he causes an argument or upsets them. Hmm, maybe. lets_be_honest Seeing him cultivate her interests and introduce her to things I never would have has been a blessing. my husband is mean to my daughter Iesha Mulla Iesha is a loving mother of 2 beautiful children. 6napkinburger My husband is an OK-ish dad when he does spend time with Petunia, but I think he is very happy with his bachelorlike life, since I basically serve as a full-time cleaning lady and chef, and I. Oh, and he thinks TV can actually teach somebody something more relevant than the fact that its both rather silly and stupid to be a Vampire Slayer Not too mention angst-filled. When I was 12 I thought New Kids on the Block was a real legitimately talented band. Now a couple of days ago I made a mistake and got behind the wheel of a car after having a few drinks and got a DUI. But the problem here is not that the daughter dislikes her dads interests. When I was a kid in middle school, I clammed up and didnt develop my relationship with my parents because they were critical of my interests. The mother is at a loss as to why her husband is driving her daughter away, but she has a few theories. Or, find the show about the science of Star Trek. Hes got to find ways to connect his interests with hers. Though they might not always like what they hear or see, they are not typically faced with unexpected surprises or unpredictable outcomes. I AM going to say, though, that they are a *substantial* part of why all of that happened. But it isnt you guys against him. Im not saying that it is ok to be cruel because kids need to grow a thicker skin. What is ok depends on the temperment and personality of every child. He came home four hours later. I was like 7.) Whats wrong with a daughter that is well-informed by national geographic and knows how to make a fire? July 2, 2013, 4:37 pm. I think she may have deactivated. Theyre bonding against him because hes being hurtful to both of them. bitter_straight_lets_be_honest and your journey to the darkside shall be complete, lets_be_honest One teenager in the house is bad enough But TWO must be exhausting. Also, now I know how to fix stuff. For instance my freshman daughter doesn't have a cellphone yet. Your first reaction is to take sides, but you realize that would be a mistake. He is also very critical of both of us, but particularly of her lack of competitiveness (she hates team sports, and takes archery and piano but only for fun), lack of initiative, and being uninformed,, Yep. July 2, 2013, 4:19 pm. Definitely! sarolabelle I still think hes acting out like a child. I loved how proud and impressed he was when I got the answer right, or parroted back some of his trivia. My partner teaches high school students and they went NUTS for Sherlock this past year. 2. Having them spend time alone will foster at least appreciation for each others interests and give them bonding time alone to build the relationship and find common ground now that your daughter is growing up. Unless you are from PA, of course. If youre having problems with your husband because of how he treats you or his parenting style, then you need to handle it with him, not by forming an alliance with your daughter against him. Educational trivia game, reading articles and discussing them together or in a game format. What To Do When My Husband Is Driving My Daughter Away? 2.5K views, 176 likes, 19 loves, 3 comments, 12 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Inframundo Relatos: SPOTIFY:. His father worked out of town 5 days a week and was hunting on the weekends during hunting season, so my husband would see him maybe one day a week. You can look at him as a mean bully, like you do, or an involved father who is trying to raise a well rounded child. I really dont think this situation falls entirely on the husband. I did so out of obligation and obedience, but now that Im older, I certainly appreciate what I learned, and wish I had paid more attention than I did. Lily in NYC It is just another thought though really, because going back and reading it again she includes herself in everything her husband gets mad at. Find a common ground youve got to. In all honestly though, I call up my dad now to hear about all of the new great bands out there! Is It True? Saying later that night will you ask the spagetti head to pass the salt IS making fun of their child and it is healthy. I was in bed, asleep. If your H has strong BPD traits, his child-like behavior is easy to explain because his emotional development likely is frozen at about age four. Anyway, we had to go visit one of his aunts who was dying in the hospital, and my dad admitted to me that he didnt WANT to go and said he was dreading it (which was not something hed normally say to me), but that sometimes you have to do stuff you dont want to do. Although this trip, for the first time ever, I strung the fish after I caught it. is the crux of your real issues here. Middle schoolers and initially, I tried to explain the history of the Salem witch trials as well as McCarthyism before we read the play. Are they driven by some internal fear or do they just get off on the game? I can well grasp your husbands ongoing eye-rolling and snappish annoyance. No. Dad was self-centered and pretty vain. But while we would toss a softball back and forth to help me work on not flinching, he would let me rattle on and on about whatever inane thing had my interest (I didnt read much fiction, beyond Harry Potter, but I read a lot of nature books, so I would talk about whatever animal I had been reading about recently. Sounds to me like not only is dad not interested in or even bothering to take an interest in any of his daughters interests, but he also disparages them and her calling her uninformed, lacking initiative and uncompetitive and bitches because she isnt more like what he wants her to be like. I would suggest planning outings for just your husband and your daughter maybe to an arcade, out to a movie, mini golf,etc so that they can spend time together by themselves. Additionally, she may worry that if you stay together, shell have to deal with the same unhappy marriage later on in her own life. My favorite things in the world when I was a kid were books, baton twirling, girl scouts, dance, and trivia game shows. My grandparents have a VHS of her wishing my cousin and I happy birthday. Learning about give and take in a relationship is very important for a 12 year old (who can often be very self-centered at that age) to know. Thats unfortunate (to say the least! But are there REALLY that many teen girls into Star Trek? Settlers of Catan! 15 Mother-In-Law Behaviors That Deserve a Punch in the Face - Scary Mommy As a mum who has exactly the same issue, I cant help but feel that this advice missed the point. HA! bittergaymark Respect is the bedrock of any family and you need family members to respect each other, the belongings of each other and the interests of each other. there are people out there who dont know what This Old House is? Well done, as always, my friend. Finally, try to model the behavior you want to see from your husband and daughter. lets_be_honest If youre struggling to get along with your teen or adult daughter, dont hesitate to seek professional help. And so does dad. I dont think that as a parent, you are required to indulge in things you dont approve of. And then, the next morning, he was an angel and brought me coffee in bed. Eventually I grew up and learned to appreciate these things, and I can look back and say wow, my dad was so great and modeled the type of behavior I should show. Also, my father took me to the new Disney movie every year. Heck Yes! It sounds like this dad is a bit of a jerk, who when he introduces something and she isnt into it makes fun of her. If your daughter is still willingly doing these activities I dunno since most teenagers are rather bratty and self absorbed and not keen on doing things they dont enjoy Id hazard a guess she finds them more fun than you would like. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-2','ezslot_10',130,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-2-0');You feel yourself in big trouble when suddenly your husband and daughter are caught in the middle of a nasty argument. I get that it is tough to have her be mad at you sometimes even though you really enjoy the things she does, but that is just part of being a parent, and keeping a healthy marriage. She may not have attended every softball game, but she never missed a dance recital or play, and always made sure I had a clean uniform for those softball games and a snack to take with me. Im from PA, and I watched entirely too much This Old House as a child. temperance AITA for not driving my wife to our son's wedding since I'm not invited? Oh, how fun for all three of you to just sit around endlessly for hours while the dvd player spins Buffy endlessly And then, next, comes Angel! So how did she find out about it? The consent submitted will only be used for data processing originating from this website. Stepmothers on Strike: How Can Doing Less Save Your Marriage I went through an accapella phase and a disney phase and a pop punk phase, a Growing pains phase, and on and on, and he rolled his eyes and helped me set the VCR, but wasnt willing to watch it. But nurturing these relationships between your daughter and both you and your husband while exposing her to things that may or may not be of immediate interest to her WILL help her be a more well-rounded, confident young woman secure in the knowledge that both her parents love her. You dont have to worship the same pop culture icons to have solid relationships. 6napkinburger And my husband tried; he can shoot bow and arrow (his dads favorite) very well, can recognize animal tracks, knows a number of out-doorsy tricks.it was never good enough. Sorry but I dont understand why you married him. Asking. It cant be. This year I took her to the Botanical Gardens not my first choice of activities, but it was a nice day and the gardens are pretty. Agree i cant imagine being receptive to spending time with my dad when it consists of him mocking what my 12-year old self likes AND assigning me reading assignments. Is It My Fault If My Partner And Daughter Dont Get Along? I am a nurse who works night shifts, and I have a working son, 21, and student daughter 20. my husband and their father died 3 years ago, and I have been working steadily. If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com. I must just not be seeing things clearly. But every time they think theyve got it right, they find themselves, as if in a bad dream, back at ground zero, frustrated, undermined, and terribly confused. Older and (hopefully) wiser He can take care of himself." Like many women,. July 2, 2013, 1:27 pm. I didnt read an us vs. him vibe at all. Its full of teen girls going crazy for Star Trek. Asking her to read a National Geographic article is hardly onerous. Actually, we dont know this girl but based on this letter, I think that the father is very concerned that she isnt well rounded. July 2, 2013, 12:29 pm. What music you like or books you read is a matter of personal preference, and really its rude to mock people for their personal taste just because it doesnt align with yours unless theres racism or violence or something. And her ongoing view that this somehow makes her the better parent is definitely bordering on malicious, I got into I Love Lucy and Bewitched thanks to my mom!! When you think you know what to expect or how to deal with them, they change the rules, seemingly arbitrarily. If a father is not present in his daughters life, she may feel neglected and unloved. I think what Wendy is missing in her response is dealing with the fathers attitude towards his daughters interests. My dream is to just have a commune where all my family lives together , honeybeenicki I think the bottom line is that she is twelve- all of her interests could change in a year or two. To this day we have a great relationship, and now Im able to make the same efforts for him. My mom and I enjoyed science fiction and fantasy books, while my dad liked hunting and only has read maybe 10 books in his life. Okay, maybe I wouldnt want my 12 to read that) they could go to a history museum that has exhibits about the War of the Tudors that partially inspired the novels. Id say the exact same thing if your roles were reversed here, and somehow she ONLY wanted to watch the History Channel and go hiking. Isolation One of the most common tricks of a mentally abusive partner is to isolate their victims from the rest of the world. Im going to disagree here, Wendy, and say that I think your response is filtered through your own happy, loving experience. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. Continue with Recommended Cookies. They wouldnt do that, would they? All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Not for a minute did I think she was missing out on anything because of not having a dad, as she had my dad and my brother to fill those fatherly roles. I finally watched Firefly for the first time last night with my bf who has been begging me to watch it with him. Its so longgggggggg! But that means he has to find something that *will* interest her, which means hes got to make some effort as well. Crazy-makers often give up the love they most desperately need when they feel any sense of an obligatory payback. And we always managed to have fun and more than a few laughs. First let me say that my daughter is getting married and her dad is no help. Yeah, apparently mine were fans all along, but there were no records in the house, unlike the other two. Show interest in his interests. bittergaymark LWs daughter should definitely be involved with some enriching activities, but theres no harm at all in loving media. Actually, my husbands a pretty big fanboy in general. Okay, Harry Potter maybe. I think the dad most definitely needs to be happy with the daughter he has, and not spend so much energy trying to shame her into being the daughter he wants, So he should act like an adult and not take his frustration out on his daughter by telling her that her interests annoy him. For every outing he chooses and she doesnt like, they should also choose something together that they can both enjoy (for example, shes into Star Trek and hes into science, so go to a space museum). Cant we at least celebrate that the things listed like Harry Potter probably indicate that the daughter is reading a lot of books not a bad thing , lets_be_honest Instead, you never know how they are going to react to a given situation. They have their own part to play in the healing of the relationship. Youre mad at your dad, not at me! When crazy-making partners are not driven by malevolent motives, they are very open to changing their behavior if it is pointed out in a non-judgmental environment. Express your love and offer your help as opportunities arise. As you agree, there needs to be a balance and it sounds like Dad is the only one whose realized that. Sci-Fi is a great gateway to get kids interested in sciencethere was a museum exhibit traveling around called Star Wars: Where Science Meets Imagination, and theres a similar one about Indiana Jones and archaeology. As time went by, your belief that you had any influence at all was fading. It may be up to this mom to protect her daughter, especially if the fights she describes keep getting worse. They actually like this stuff! So it was this wonderful little springboard into history for them. That time was never truly enjoyable, no matter how much I enjoyed myself because I just wasnt compatible with his personality. Theyve Seen Firsthand How Unhappy Their Parents Are, 3. I had and to some extent probably still have some self-esteem issues that stemmed from my dads iffy parenting. We all died laughing. Intelligent people can like these things but does that mean that a father should promote them? lets_be_honest July 2, 2013, 12:04 pm. because I think that as the teen years progress you will need some better strategies to deal with the 2 strong personalities that surround you. . Gently explain that you're not happy approaching this guy because you think he's simply not interested and that, if she continues to chase him, she's leaving herself open to more hurt and disappointment. Its not your fault if your partner and daughter dont get along. She may not be interested in that stuff NOW, but it can sure come in handy later. Self-centered passive-aggressive husband driving me crazy The way he is reminds me of my dad who, when I was growing up, if I was doing something HE didnt see the value in like I was watching the wrong shows on TV (GARBAGE, hed call it), for example would force me to turn it off. Spyglassez I was all set to like this until you said shes only TWELVEshell eventually grow out of the fangirldom. Why is it not ok for adults to like these shows?? FWIW, I didnt get that vibe either, Fabelle. As your confusion increased, you probably felt a stronger need to make things happen the way they should, while your partner accused you of obsessively tracking his or her every move. Just because you dont like Buffy and have introduced a bunch of facts that dont exist in the letter (your comment below about what the dad has been putting up with for years!?!) Here are eight ways to tell if your partner is harming your relationships with your family. Your Family Doesn't Want To See You Together. July 2, 2013, 11:15 am. And since she loves you both, it can be tough for her to see you stay in a situation that makes you both so miserable. I dont know if its The Best thing, but its very important and Im glad for all the things he exposed me to. I mean ever. I agree with everything Wendy said, and your daughter will certainly benefit from spending quality time with him, even if they arent doing things that she necessarily enjoys. July 2, 2013, 12:57 pm. lets_be_honest Shes not pulling away from the husband because he doesnt have the same interests as her daughter. He broadened my view of the world, showed me things that I wouldnt have seen without him. But, for example, my mom used to watch I Love Lucy and Alfred Hitchcock Presents late at night, and during the summers, Id stay up late, and I gradually developed a taste for both of them. Twin Flame & Soul Mate Guide, 22 Things You Should Know in Dating Latino Men: What To Expect, Dating Canadian Men: 22 Things You Should Know & What To Expect, Dating Australian Men: 22 Things You Should Know & What To Expect, Dating American Men: 22 Things You Should Know & What To Expect. Choose a moment when he seems relaxed and talk with him about your worries. Either the Dads behavior is bad enough that she needs to draw a line and tell him to stop with the eye-rolling and turning off the TV for no good reason; or it isnt and she needs to prioritize her marriage and get back to being team parent. I was closer to my mom, and even closer with my friends in the neighborhood. Losing the . Not seeing their daughters as people who can make good decisions. I think I read this differently than Wendy. Her husband could be one of those people. No. LW, you should probably rationally explain to your husband that eye rolling is unacceptable. Im sure he didnt really care about the Anne of Green Gables books or obscure Star Wars characters. Game of Thrones? I think you are probably right. When I was a child my mom dragged me to countless art museums with my sister. Our daughter just turned thirteen and she loves Star Trek, Dr. Who, Cat Warriors, fantasy books, theater and acting and swimming. Me and my husband have a 4 year old daughter together. I dont care if they actually do or not, hes the adult and shes the kid here, so he needs to act like it. Um, no. Related- History Channel has some great programming thats HIGHLY educational but fun to watch. Ross says it definitely would have beenif not for his tendency towards horrific sea-sickness. Just saying, theyre definitely still popular. He's clearly not interested in her and I don't want to look stupid when I ask him. Neither father or daughter should make disparaging remarks about the other and you shouldnt make disparaging remarks about your husband. And with Netflix and Hulu and all that jazz, getting all caught up on Buffy and Firefly and Star Trek and other shows that are ancient history with most of todays teens, is not all that hard. That said, its important to try to resolve the conflict constructively. July 2, 2013, 12:12 pm. a truly horrible driver. It makes them feel safe. My Husband Hates My Daughter! 4 Ways To Fix A Broken Relationship So I was just assuming it happened similarly for LW and her daughter. If you find that the conflict is escalating or if there is name-calling or other disrespectful behavior, its time to intervene. 6napkinburger This time is precious and its fleeting, and its understandable that you want to be well, greedy with it. I actually wish my parents had exposed me to more things, even things I didnt like. Did I fight with my dad as a teenager? Dont let anyone else control your decisions. Way to become a teenager yourself dad. It may take years and years before the pay-off is apparent. Your kid may not always enjoy the activities you make them do, but part of being a parent is helping them develop into a good adult. If it doesnt come from both sides, its hard to want to do something with the other person, if the other person doesnt do anything to see your side of it. Sure, he dragged me out on hikes that I hated, and I was a brat and pain during many of them. It stated in the letter that the daughter does try to be accommodating. I reminded him that he likes sex better in the morning and he called me frigid and slept on the couch. July 2, 2013, 11:40 am. Eating vegetables or just trying any new food?