Reaching out to an ex after months or years later. One such conundrum hits us when our exes come back after no contact and we are clueless about how to respond. Its . Is there space for them if youre planning on letting your ex back into your life? Anywho, all of this is to say that I haven't had a good experience with an ex trying to reach out. I'm not mad that she reached out. hat would hurt him? This reminds us that whatever the threat is that were facing, it can be overcome. Politely rejecting his invitation to meet up was mature and respectful to all parties involved. Your ex has been in your life for five minutes now and it is not okay to have a lovey-dovey conversation with an ex when your partner is sitting next to you. Your heart might start beating faster the moment you get a text from the ex but take a few minutes to think about the consequences if you end up meeting the ex again. Do you want to pursue a relationship, friendship, acquaintanceship, or do you wish not to speak with your ex? This post originally appeared at Attract The One. On a bitter note, they couldnt handle the happy, successful life you are leading. Minor inconveniences in their way or temptations to commit infidelity can drift two lovers apart in a jiffy. Life can be so cruel at times as she was the love of my life and my heart never let me forget her. she also said as a married woman, an affair would be devastating and destructive. He studied at the University of Amsterdam and has a bachelor's in Clinical Psychology. Why would an ex contact you years after the relationship ended? She apologized for everything and expressed a desire to be friends again. I assumed she didnt want to contact me and vice-versa. Its not helpful, though, to go into any reconnection with too many expectations. To handle an ex coming back with dignity, you should ponder on all the probable scenarios to stay a step ahead of them. :-/ They left. The next weekend, the friend showed up again, and this time he brought my ex. He was. Sometimes, I want to reply but my partner is visibly upset about it, so I havent so far. Keep up with Elizabeth on Twitter and attracttheone.com. Dont let your ex pull the strings on you just for the sake of finding closure. I had blocked her and all her family on social media so no one could know what I was up to and I could just disappear. My ex had these things to say to me after our relationship had ended over five years earlier. If we cross paths I will thank her otherwise I am letting this one go. But that doesnt mean the deeper connection between them would disappear just like that. When a toxic and/or abusive ex-partner reaches out or asks to stay friends, they're most likely looking to ensnare you back into the unhealthy dynamic that made the relationship lethal in the first place. It's a theme in literature, film, TV shows even in the way products are marketed. We welcome the Reddit community to elicit opinions on a variety of matters from our community of women ages 30 and up. After the X Date, the Treasury would be unable to pay about 40% of its bills, BPC said, based on an analysis of daily cash flows. Its not that people want their ex to suffer, per se, its that they may feel a sick ego boost when comparing their progress after your breakup to their own. Your ex might be a changed person more decency, less infidelity. Thank you for your article very insightful. She responded back instantly. You never know how valuable your reach-out might be to another. September 8, 2022 by Zan. I read it and deleted it without responding. No matter how you both ended things, try not to respond to the text immediately, even if its a lazy Saturday afternoon and your only entertainment is your cat licking her own fur. I doubt that that's why he would reach out, he's the one who got apologies from me shortly after the breakup (which he did get shortly after, but probably not in the most though through way) thanks for sharing. We were both in happy LTR's, so there was no flirting or anything like that, but it felt really good to speak honestly and openly. I saw my ex post on a facebook page I was a group in. Sometimes, the ex comes back with a text to just check in on you. While you tactfully avoid tapping on the notification, it can throw your whole mojo off-balance. You get to decide whether to forgive her and alleviate her guilty conscience. She reached out a few years ago but she didn't really make any effort to apologize and kind of half-asses the friendship now. I stopped going to the club in case they came again. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. Wants your help with something. Hi Zan, I was living back in our old area for a little while and had been spending every weekend that summer at a beach club. 1. ). She is remarried and I do not want to interrupt that but I never had a chance to thank her for being such a great step mom to my children even after we were not in contact. He has a wife and two adorable girls now and Im happy for him. Its difficult to find someone who accepts you the way you are. You have to be careful. Your ex probably felt apprehensive about contacting you after so many years, but because your ex was curious about you or needed a favor or something else from you, he or she contacted you anyway. My Ex Is Drinking/Partying After A Breakup, whether you think your ex can make a good friend, how much emotional progress youve made since the breakup, and how much respect you have for your ex, how your familys doing (not to be mistaken for an indirect approach to break the ice), how you perceive your ex and feel about him or her, Your ex could also be very direct and say . Despite their problems in their relationship, they were soul mates, and theyd never been able to find such a deep connection with anyone else since the break-up. But for that to happen, your ex has to suffer and change his or her opinion of you. I think my ex will never contact me after years later. Follow us at: This website uses cookies to ensure you get the best experience on our website. [9] It can be a shock to get a random text or phone call from your ex. If your ex is single and all their friends are dating, they may go through periods of loneliness where they desperately need to speak to someone. Your ex wasnt committed to coming back. Of course, as a dumpee, you might not have to stay your exs backup plan forever. It will only convey the message that you are still miserably hung up on them. And that I kind of think he shouldn't have stayed married if he wanted to pursue polyamory, because of what it did to his wife? Often, urges to contact an ex may come up at the end of an unhealthy relationship and not for healthy ones. You may hold beliefs about anger, such as: Nice . I'd done something he considered cheating. What Does It Mean When A Guy Calls You Sweet. However, the primary reason the no contact rule works is that you're not supposed to respond to your ex. Its much more important that he lets you enjoy your life in peace. Curiosity mainly. How have you been?, dont conclude that the nasty text they sent to you while breaking up meant nothing, and that they want to get back together. Something bad must have happened to her that made her want to clear he conscience. We dont often think about emotional labor as work, but it IS indeed work. Would this be considered bredacrumbing or did he just want to check how I was? Is there any ulterior motive? The inevitable distance between two people in love, the restless neediness of love. If the roles were reversed, how would you feel about it? Substance use doesn't negate the fact that you put me in the hospital multiple times and caused me significant trauma, PTSD. I actually miscarried shortly after confirming the pregnancy. (I mean, obviously, right?) It creates so much confusion because your ex's actions are conflicting. While I was in I met my now ex while she was going to college, we really hit it off and dated for 3 years. When your ex finally does that, youll quickly regain your power and be able to say how you want things to go. Here are six common reasons for exes getting back together years later. I told him we could talk over the phone. When you reach out to a former friend from a place of support and no expectations others than to share a moment of connection, it can leave a lasting feeling of positive connection and appreciation for that persons having been there earlier in your life and when you reached back out in this period of uncertainty. In searching for the familiar, we may be drawn back to past times in our lives when our cares seemed so much lighter than they do now. PostedMay 1, 2020 And if theres a new partner in the picture, the green-eyed monster might rear its ugly head. They are not trying to rekindle the relationship or become friends. Get your dose of relationship advice from Bonobology right in your inbox. The following four steps can help you work through the process. I just mean that we still had feelings for a long time.) Theres a chance she wants you back, but be careful about that. Hanging Out With An Ex While In A Relationship. I did some things in that relationship that were unkind, and I know I hurt him badly. So, depending on that, choose if you want to keep any contact with your ex. I wished him well too. Ex Reached Out After No Contact. After years of single life and suffering from loneliness, they decide to get back together with their ex. Or maybe you both ended things mutually and somehow stayed out of touch for years. These details seem very random, especially when she would send me this out of the blue after so long. Absolutely nothing, your ex doesnt have an ulterior motive. Even if I couch them in "we didn't know any better, but you did X"? There may be many reasons when an ex contacts you years later or out of the blue. If the apologizing part of the plan goes well, they might even express their willingness to get back together. In this response, you're being vulnerable and expressive of your feelings. I do not want to interrupt her life now and do not want to reopen any wounds. I'm Sorry for What Happened His email said that he'd had some things on his mind. When exes come back after months, there could be a rosy side to it too. We also struggled with communication but we were young so makes sense lol). You might know this from what you have heard from your mutual friends. Maybe they are still holding grudges against you and decided this is the right time to serve the cold dish of revenge. Unfortunately her apology still seemed to blame a heap of her guilt on me. Even if I couch them in "we didn't know any better, but you did X"? An immediate response is never a good idea. So, you spent three sleepless nights wondering about their true intention behind a simple Hi. I'm not annoyed by it, I just don't understand if it makes sense? Like I said, I never reached out to an Ex. We were together for about 5 years until she broke it off. But telling him things that would hurt him? Pro tip: Keep your mind open and your heart closed. They will be able to compare the different aspects of their life with and without your presence in it. I know ex wanted me back at first, but I didn't want that. Why did they have to reappear when things were just about to get fine? thoughts like these come and go, wrecking your peace of mind. Basically, he sent me a very long email (that's his way of communication.) Can Humans Detect Text by AI Chatbot GPT? Suzanne Degges-White, Ph.D., is a licensed counselor and professor at Northern Illinois University. In fact, it might even be a good idea to block your ex if they make you feel uncomfortable on any level. On the other hand, if theyre calling because they want to get back together, youll need to think carefully about that. It may seem a bit strange to ask your ex that, but dont worry about that. Learn how your comment data is processed. I look forward to it, Al. It was just a very strong intuition, and one that was "confirmed" when he'd shown up at that beach thing, even though the rational part of my mind said I couldn't really "know" that, and that it probably wasn't likely. So, before you slam a sarcastic emoji in their face, grab a tea or a book. If that's what he needs from me I'm afraid my reaction might not offer much comfort. Lets not lose sleep over only the unpleasant prospects. I sent an ex a sincere apology letter. You havent heard from your ex in years, and theyre contacting you out of nowhere. My wife got sick after 2 years and I have been her carer since. I am considering contacting my ex that I havent had contact with I over 5 years. They broke up in 2007 because Prince William thought he was too young to be in such a serious relationship and wanted to enjoy his youth. An ex suddenly reaching out after they broke up with you can be very confusing. 10 Reasons Why Girls Want To Stay Friends After a Breakup, 8 Subtle Ways Guys Hint They Like You Without Saying It, 22 Painful Signs Hes Not Into You (Anymore), What To Do When An Ex Reaches Out After Years, Is It Common For Exes To Get Back Together Years Later. I dont know many adults in choir so I knew it would be best to stay in contact with them. I dont want to bring up the passed too, rather move forward for the sake of everyone involved. Ignore it. The expectations are usually running wild when you have not moved on completely. We celebrate the happy, imperfect love without judgment or bias, and strive to help people love more mindfully by viewing their relationship patterns from the lens of mental health and psychology. The first thing most people think when anex contactsthem is that they want something. Commentdocument.getElementById("comment").setAttribute( "id", "a2a4ca169ddda5052d135fd7416bc0e6" );document.getElementById("i2dc42b6e0").setAttribute( "id", "comment" ); Alexander Burgemeester has a Master in Neuropsychology. The grass looks greener, so your ex skates out into the wild world of dating to find someone who ALSO has quirks, hangups and is generally human just like you are. Ive written about the signs that your ex secretly wants you back and what really happens when they do but Ive neglected a little fuzzy grey area. Im not talking about questions about your exs life, but rather about his or her reasons for reaching out. First off, it's good to pause before responding. Do what's best for you. Go away. He even tried to call and make the appointment for me. Founded in 2010, Thought Catalog is owned and operated by The Thought & Expression Company, Inc. For over a decade, we've been at the bleeding edge of media, pioneering an infrastructure for creatives to flourish both artistically and financially. When you get a text from an ex, all youre probably thinking about is what they want. You are busy. My ex messaged me after a year. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text "START" to 88788. He or she can take their pain and sorrow away and give them what they need to feel safe and comfortable. He has to now find a job in stead. My husband gave me the grace to get extremely needed closure with him. It may not be worth getting dumped and hurt again. If you just went on a date and he responds 3 days after, he might be following an old dating rule to make you more interested in him. Katie writes, "Hi Susan! There are some things only you know about your partner. Here are 7 reasons your ex might pop up months (or even years!) On a whim, I looked to see if he was on Facebook. Just a comment on the "closure" part of Your post: no you don't. First, it helps normalize our experience and our feelings. But theyre really hoping that youll end up in bed together. Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window), Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window), Click to share on LinkedIn (Opens in new window), Click to share on Reddit (Opens in new window), Click to share on Pinterest (Opens in new window), Click to share on Telegram (Opens in new window), Click to share on WhatsApp (Opens in new window), My Ex Is With Someone Else But Still Contacts Me, decide if you want to be friends with your ex, They return because their life doesnt go according to plan, what to do when your ex contacts you years later, when an ex boyfriend contacts you years later, when an ex girlfriend contacts you years later, When A Guy Cries At The Thought Of Losing You. 5. Theres no generic advice on what to do when your ex contacts you after years. My ex has reached out to me a handful of times over the last 15 years. Anger is an emotion that people are often uncomfortable with. If you catch yourself spiraling a little, it's OK.. CNBC recently reported that 80% of active fund managers are falling behind the major indexes. (ETA: Not in an obsessive "someday-we'll-be-together-again" way, lol. When your ex girlfriend reaches out after a long time of no contact, the emotions come back, old passions flare, and your brain starts spinning around wondering what the heck you should do. Additionally, make sure you tell your partner when yourex contactsyou so it doesnt appear as if youre hiding anything. If your ex just suffers and impulsively runs back to you, your ex might not reflect long enough to discover your worth. I suggested spending more time together at hers, or going away together somewhere to stay for a period. This was a little bit before the internet was such a big thing, so he wasn't able to find me online. This is not about playing games, its about knowing if you really want to restart a conversation with a person who you have dated in the past. Nevertheless, when an ex contacts you years later, this is what it means. As most of the comments say it depends on how the relationship was. Youre married with beautiful children, successful, and go on the most amazing vacations. Before you start having two-hour-long conversations with your ex after midnight, think about how your current partner will feel. 2010 The Thought & Expression Company, LLC. When an ex contacts you, you need to weigh the pros and cons practically. If youre feeling a bit confused and overwhelmed by your ex contacting you, speak to a trusted friend or family member. It can be confusing when your ex reaches out after years because you dont know what their motives are. Have you ever considered getting back with your ex? At the time he has decided to respect my body my choice and never asked me directly about the truth of the rumor. Talking again was good, and I'm happy we did. . What role are they going to play? 8 Things To Do When Your Ex Contacts You Years Later, 4. Youll have to settle for way less than that. If you were in an abusive relationship, the best thing to do when your ex reaches out is not to respond. Its like comfort foodmac-and-cheese may not be haute cuisine and it may not reflect what our normal menu offers, but it brings back images of childhood and safety and security. If you are looking for an explanation, ask for it. When people are experiencing anxiety and fear about their health and well-being, and uncertainty has become the weather and the climate," they often want to make amends with people from their pasts. Personally I've never reached out to an ex - but my abusive ex of 5 years reached out to me. Theyll reveal whether your ex wants to keep you around out of convenience or if your ex has more selfless plans for you. People are not static, and friendships that cant shift and grow as people do just cant endure. A few months after his phone call, my family moved again, this time to the other side of the country. What do you think? Your ex could just come back to patch his or her wounds and take you for granted again. I'd like to apologize to him because he didn't deserve that. Its up to you, but she is married, after all. He didn't know where I moved to. Seeing your ex after a long time might effectively spell doom for your present relationship if you just assume your partner will be fine with this. It felt good verifying that intuition. They know they could never have given you the life you have now. After 4 years, my ex reached out to me asking how I have been (The end of our relationship was somewhat mutual. Theyve heard youre single and so have decided to try their luck and see if youll agree to go for a drink. These may be friends, family members, and love interests whom they may have wounded emotionally or with whom they fell out and its totally normal to want to find a way to resolve longstanding issues and gain a sense of peace. They do whatever it takes to reconnect with an ex because their ex can make them feel better. Thank you for being you. We dont sign up for certain catastrophes in life. Perhaps they feel genuinely guilty about hurting you so badly and cant find their peace until you forgive them. I understand why one might feel this way to be honest. He thought were friends and the fact that he cheated on me was very conveniently swept under the rug. I had never mentioned it to him as since I had miscarried it didnt seem like there was anything to discuss. They are Feeling Lonely. Anyways, the first time we broke up (friendship) was 2017. At the time of our relationship, I was still keeping a lot to myself emotionally. Its been several years since you broke up with your ex, and theyve assumed youve got over what happened. Very random in his message he stated that it was crazy for reaching out and that Ive always been brought up in conversion by school mates and that hes sorry if he negatively impacted me and hes always wishing the best for me and hes never forgot me. My breakup recovery method for men combines science, first-hand . Say, you have been applying the no-contact rule after the breakup, be it a mutual decision or one-sided. I took the blame at the end of the year, entirely, when she was seated behind me, I decided to reach out. Why Did My Ex Unfriend Me But Not Block Me? In fairness, you were in your teens when you got together, and they were clueless about relationships. 2. Definitely not. It could also just be curiosity which I understand to a certain extent I guess. Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. Now that theyre dealing with issues concerning the things only you know about, theyve got no one else to turn to. So much was tied up inside because of a difficult home life, hadn't learned yet to really let all that flow out. If you reach 41 weeks (1 week overdue), your provider will do tests to check on the baby. I guess, theoretically, the other person could help you find closure but they don't need to do that, and asking them to do that is a big and (possibly) inappropriate task to put upon an ex. You had strong feelings for your ex, things didnt end well, and you dont want them disrupting your life. So they come back, tail between their legs, ready to renegotiate their bond with you. In such situations, it is important to understand that the ex is texting when the ex feels like it. But apparently it has haunted him for 12 years enough to find me and ask. It takes more energyemotional and physicalto make a phone call or video call than it does to send a text or "like" a social media post. I think it is best I keep my distance to avoid stirring the pot. Now shes unblocked me and sent me messages saying shes moved and wants to tell me something or speak to me about something but I personally dont feel ready to talk as I dont want to be put back into that same place I was mentally. However, video calls are especially meaningful when someone is totally isolated or when grandkids or more than one person is at one end of the phone. I hope his heart is at peace/ease despite things not going how he may have expected. You might be the kind of person who does not stay friends with their exes and the sudden texting might throw you off guard. Temper expectations, but reach out if its something you feel you would like to doregardless of the response. They might just want to be friends with you, if youre open to the idea. As mentioned, they may just be contacting you to see how you are. My ex owes me money which I want back, nearly $1000 dollars and I have been unable to collect since the pandemic began,I want my money and I am going to reach out for it. But this article is so important and healthy ways for dumpeees. She said marriage is hard, so its possible she finally reflected and realized she was very mean to you after the breakup. You are following it religiously cutting off all contact with your ex. There is really no reasonlet sleeping dogs lie. You might be able to tell perhaps by their tone that your ex is reaching out because they're bored, lonely, or having a tough time moving. You DO NOT have to maintain a protocol, thinking that itll be too rude to not reply. The good thing about it is that you get to decide whether you want her in your life or not. Video calls with loved ones are really meaningful when youre not getting to see anyone outside of your own reflection in the mirror. Your ex may not want you back, but when it takes your ex years to reach out, you can tell that your ex has been thinking about you for so long that he or she changed some opinions of you and mustered up the courage to contact you. If so, remember what you said and keep your word, because going against it will only cause problems between the two of you. What if you start talking again and old feelings resurface? Youve both moved on, got a new partner, and were happy, so whats the motive? Press J to jump to the feed. :). Heartbreak Burnout. Do you like how your life looks without your ex? "Crossing the X Date would be unprecedented," Akabas said. But dont rush into setting a date for a catch-up over coffee. In one job interview, he is asked to name the most significant world event in the last ten years. I get why you feel the need to give this person closure, but please know: that's not your responsibility. They Want A Shoulder To Cry On And think of yourself first. Remember, friendships are often place-bound or time-bound relationships and their remembered intensity may be reflecting more about the intensity of that period of your life rather than the depth of that friendship. His or her inquiries, requests, or demands, as well as the approach and attitude your ex chooses will soon reveal why your ex contacted you after so many years. Theyre not quite sure what, but that phone call,text message, or email is met with suspicion, and rightly so.